Joy for mourning

Spring 2002. The worst time in my life. It was a time I thought I'd never get through. Our family was going through things we never hoped to see. One year earlier we had lost my grandpa to brain cancer and now we were watching my grandma fight for her life with breast cancer. It was too much to bear. My grandparents were like second parents to me, greatly involved in my life. We are a close knit family and losing them was devastating. My grandpa passed away on Feb. 28, 2001 and my grandma, 1 year and 12 hours later, on Mar. 1, 2002. We were all stunned by our grief. The only bright spot in our lives was that Chris and I found out we were expecting a baby! We had been trying for several months and were thrilled when it finally happened. We were all thankful for this blessing after so much loss and were hopeful to finally be joyful again. But it was not to be. On April 8, 2002, at 12 weeks, I miscarried my first child. I cannot even express how deep my sorrow was on that day. My whole world came crashing down and I felt like I was in a dream, no, a nightmare. One that I had prayed would never come true. The loss of my baby was the loss of my hopes and dreams, and yes, even my faith. I wondered how God could do this to us after all we'd already been through. Why did He allow this? I felt unloved, guilty, frustrated, angry. Didn't He care about me? Didn't He want me to be happy? Why even let me get pregnant just to take the baby away? The questions were endless and unanswered. All I knew is that I would never feel joy again.

The worst part of the sorrow was not feeling God's presence. I felt like He had abandoned me, left me in my deepest misery. For a while, I didn't even try to reach out to Him, worried that He'd just let me down again. But as the days and weeks went on, I felt so empty, so lost, that I began to seek Him, hoping for just a glimpse of His love. I started looking up scriptures that would give me some encouragement. I was like a starving person, just wanting something that would fill my empty heart. What I found was much, much more than that.

Little by little, I felt healing taking place. It seemed to take forever to me but once in a while I could see its affects. Like the day I could walk past the baby aisle at a store without bursting into tears or honestly congratulate a newly pregnant friend. Or the day I felt strong enough to hold a newborn. My heart was slowly being put back together. I had wanted to believe that God had left me, but now I knew that although I thought I couldn't feel Him, He was there all along, holding me, healing me.

The final part of my healing came on May 21, 2003 when I gave birth to my first son, Zachary. The joy I had never thought I'd feel again came rushing in and overtook my whole being. It overwhelmed me. It was greater than I could have thought possible. My faith and joy had been restored, better and deeper than before. Zachary's name means "The Lord has remembered" and I knew God remembered me in my grief and gave me this child as a gift of His love and mercy. I went on to have two more beautiful children, Katelyn and Luke, who fill my heart with overflowing joy I can't even express. When I hold the three of them, I think of how far I have come and that how what I went through had prepared me for this. I wish I hadn't had to endure what I did, but the joy after mourning that God promises us is not just everyday joy, it is the joy of renewal and restoration, something only a starving heart could be thankful for.

Here are the verses that helped and encouraged me through my difficult time (and even do so now). I know people are going through so much loss these days whether it is physical, emotional or financial. I pray my story and these scriptures give you the peace and hope that I have, the kind that only God can give.

Jeremiah 31:13
Lamentations 3:31-33
Isaiah 14:3
Psalm 126:5-6
Isaiah 46:11b
Matthew 6:33
Psalm 20:4-5
Psalm 37:4
Psalm 145:18-19
Luke 12:32