Would today be the day?

All morning long I couldn't help but think, "Would today be the day?"

The day we finally see our daughter healed.

Today my daughter had a checkup with her cardiologist. It had been a year and a half since we were there. The last time we were there she had what we feel was a seizure after her echocardiogram. Yep, right there in the exam room. So going back I was pretty nervous especially since she was nervous too this time. I reassured her as I tried to keep my own emotions in check. Lately she's been asking those hard questions of "Why is all this stuff happening to me" and "When will it stop" that I, myself, want to know and can't give her an answer for. Our lighthearted comments like "Oh, but you get to do so many cool things like go through "the donut" (CT scan/MRI) and "you get to see the silly doctor" are not working anymore. She tries to keep a happy face, but today she was worried and that worried me.

But I was hopeful too. Hopeful that this would be the day. That today when she had the echocardiogram done to check on the hole in her heart, they would find that it was gone, completely healed. So many years now we've anticipated that day and hearing that news. Oh, what a day that would be! What a testimony for the Lord and an amazing blessing to our lives.

So as the scan began, half of me wanted to look at the screen and half did not want to look, in case I saw the gap between the chambers of her heart. I was encouraged when, to me, things looked different than last time. Between trying to keep our daughter calm, trying not to think about what happened there last time, and the anticipation of hearing the results, I didn't know if I would make it through the 30 minute procedure. But I did, and she did fine too.

We went in another room to wait for the doctor, and I thought about how nice it would be not to have to come here anymore, not have to go to any doctor anymore. No more cardiologists, neurologists, opthamalogists, and all those other "gists". I am thankful for their knowledge and care, but I remember the carefree days of just yearly "well baby" pediatrician checkups, and it makes me sad to think of all she's been through. Yes, many children have gone through much, much worse, and I'm so thankful she is as healthy as she is. I don't have to see her in a hospital bed every day and watch her deal with endless treatments and procedures and pain. She is happy and is living a good life.

But I want more than just good for her.

The doctor came in and literally, the first words he said were, "So what are your thoughts on surgery options?" I couldn't answer, mostly because his words didn't register...and because they were all the wrong ones. I was thinking, Um, don't you mean "This is so strange...We've never seen this before....We can't explain this...The hole is gone..."

No, instead it was the same news we've heard for 7 years, since she was 6 weeks old- the hole is still large and needs to be repaired at some point. I am not sure why I thought this time would be different, but I did. Maybe it's the faith journey our family has been on, but I really believed it this time. Or I thought I did. It was a weird feeling being surprised and not surprised at the same time. Although it did take a minute for it to sink in that No, today was not the day.

But my heart still cried, "The day is coming soon, I just know it!". I won't stop expecting great things from God, or anticipating our daughter's complete healing. I will keep praying and keep believing...and yes, keep waiting. I don't know why today wasn't the day, why it wasn't yesterday or 5 years ago. But I do know that when that day finally comes, I will see the big picture and be able to tell my daughter...and myself...the answers to our questions.