My passion and my purpose

Today I was reading through my journal after I decided I want to start writing in it again. I really miss being able to express thoughts that I don't really feel comfortable expressing in a blog. I know most people have both a blog and a journal and now I know why, because they serve different purposes and that is okay. I do have something from my journal that I want to share here because I thought that it describes how I've been feeling lately. This entry was written almost a year and a half ago, on the night before my oldest son's 6th birthday. I always get emotional around his birthday (as with the others too) but for some reason, his birthday always gets me thinking about my life as a mother since that is the day I became one!

May 20, 2009

I still can't believe he is going to be 6! I've been a mom for almost 6 years! It's crazy, I feel like I've been doing this all my life- it's what I eat, sleep and breathe! Being a mom is my life. It is my passion and my purpose. It is the hardest job I've ever had, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything else. Wow. Just thinking how much my life has changed in 6 short years. I am not the same person I was. My children have forever changed me- my interests, my philosophies, my desires, my innermost thoughts. It is strange how it all happened so subtly though. I just became who I had to be for them. Man, I had NO CLUE 6 years ago! Motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be. Everything is deeper and more intense than I dreamed. But that goes for the good things too- the joy, the love, the fierceness of my protection of them. I would do anything for them because they have done everything for me and made me who I am today- a mom who is by no means perfect- not even close- but one who loves her kids and truly tries to do her best for them. Sometimes I get so frustrated at my imperfections at being a mom, thinking I should be better at this by now. But I have to remember that my kids are always changing, the circumstances are always changing, and it is HARD to change with it all. I seriously struggle to keep my head above water somedays. There are days I just want to stay under, but then a day comes along where something, even one unexpected thing, goes well and it's like a breath of fresh air and I can go on. It's a constant renewal and a journey I know I couldn't go through without God's help. He always shows me the good in my life just when I need it most- Luke's sweet laugh, Katelyn's silly faces or Zach's hugs- to let me know I can do this and I am right where I should be.